Can Anybody Hear Me? Struggling with Post Grad Depression
It’s officially been a month since graduating from college, and I feel like I’m in limbo.
See, I wasn’t someone that didn’t have a plan at all, but someone who’s plan was detoured by life. I made post-graduation plans to attend graduate school to receive a masters. The small scale plan was to live in Houston and attend a school in Texas. However, my mentors expected more from me. They believed I could get into the top journalism programs in the nation, I didn’t doubt this, but my fear was affording these top programs. However, my mentors assured me we would figure it out once I was accepted. Fast forward, I am admitted into Georgetown and USC Annenberg. I ultimately chose USC Annenberg. However, it was crunch time, life started happening, and it felt like my mentors and anybody I had counted on started allowing me to slip through the cracks.
I’m a first generation college student that worked to put myself through college, so I don’t have people in my family to turn to and discuss post-graduation related life issues. I became lost and unsure of myself and why I spent the past five years pursuing the false “magical piece of paper” we are taught will open doors of opportunity. Since graduating, I have applied to 300+ jobs, with no luck. In 15-days, I will be moving to Los Angeles, CA, to start my master's program with only a partial scholarship and maxed out loans, with no way to cover $20K+ in remaining tuition. I’ve been trying to look at things as the glass being half full, but in all honesty, I’m scared. With the added pressure of being the first student from my HBCU to be accepted to my program at USC Annenberg, the weight of possible failure is heavy. I don’t want to fail and set a precedent for others like me. However, for now, I’m lost, and I don’t have any answers, I’ve tried everything, and I’m tired.
This is steps away from how I originally felt post-graduation would go.
There’s a mixture of frustration as well, because of the false narrative we are taught about college. This degree is supposed to open doors of opportunity. I put a lot on that belief, because I grew up poor and saw how not having a degree can limit and snowball to cause other life problems. However, at this moment, I feel a system bamboozled me that to this day is created to disenfranchise black people and other people of color, like myself.
As of now, there’s no clear purpose for writing this other than, I need to get it out and not hold in how I’m feeling. I’m only 23, and it feels like I have no answers or a sense of direction for my future. Right now I’m stuck in a limbo of post-graduation, a place where depression hits and I realize the people I thought could count on in the past five years were just there out of circumstance and convenience. However, I want to move on and not let this break me down completely, I want to live a happy, stable life and do what I love each day; what I love is creating mass media and covering stories about LGBTQ+ people, and people of color and the issues that impact their lives (just typing that made me feel a little better). I know I’m not the only one dealing with post-graduation depression, and I believe it’s okay to be honest when you are too tired to be the strong individual others are used to. It’s okay not to be okay, and need help. I need help.